When loss happens, people often don’t know what to say. I don't know how many times I've heard this over the past few months. It's either, "I don't know what to say" or "They don't know what to say." What do you say to someone who lost their baby right before he was due? I don’t know if I would know the right or wrong things to say either. I guess it can be awkward. So I’m sharing the things below to help in case it comes up in the future. These are things that have been helpful and hurtful, plus things that would depend on the relationship you have with the person and some things I’ve read about that may be helpful or hurtful in the future. 

I want to preface this by saying, I know most people intend to be helpful. I believe hearts are in the right place, and it something may sound good on the surface. Also, everyone takes things differently. What may be hurtful to me may be helpful to Ty. If you have wondered what to say or not say to grieving people, I hope this can serve as a guide. I hope you hear this directly from my heart.


You have to understand there is no best thing you could say that would take away our pain or tears. You can’t give us Jensen. You can't make it better, though we wish you could. We wish there was something you could say that stopped the pain, but there isn't. What you can give is prayers, kindness and support. Honestly, we don’t really need words either. Let us just sit with you. Listen to our cries. Listen to our stories about Jensen and all of our hopes and dreams we had for him. Hug us. Be there. Be still and let God’s presence fill us, instead of words. 


The following are things from our personal experience, but everyone grieves differently. Ty and I experienced basically the same thing, but we don’t process or grieve the same. Some of the things that are helpful or hurtful to me may be different for someone else. A person who already has kids may not be as triggered by other babies as I have been because they have kids at home. Again, everything just depends. We do not expect anyone to have the right words. No words is better than the wrong words. (Though I have found it hurtful when some people do not acknowledge our loss at all.) Tell us you’re sorry. Let us know you’re thinking about us or praying for us. Tell us you love us.


Helpful things people have said:


  1. “If you’re willing to share, what can I be praying for you specifically? If you need to remember to eat, I want to pray for that.” This was followed by a couple of other examples as well. This is helpful because our current prayer requests change frequently. Any prayers are, of course, still helpful. 
  2. “I’ve been praying for your marriage.” This is helpful because we are both grieving differently and that can cause all sorts of emotions. (But side note… our relationship is great ❤️)
  3. “Do you need groceries? Do you need your laundry done? Can I mow your yard?” Naming specific items or chores is helpful too. I've been surprised by how much I do not want to cook.
  4. I had someone text me about posting their pregnancy announcement as a warning because they knew it might be triggering to me. They also said to feel free to hide/mute them if needed. This was incredibly thoughtful and greatly appreciated. 
  5. Using Jensen’s name in conversation and knowing his name. If you’ve done this, thank you. This might be triggering to some, but if I’ve been posting his name a lot, feel free to use his name. We love his name. 
  6. “I was just calling to be here. You can talk about Jensen or I can talk and give you a distraction.” This was so thoughtful and resulted in an hour-long conversation with a friend. 
  7. “I don’t need a reply” or “No need for a response.” - I don’t think people expect a response even without this, but I liked that some people added this at the front of their texts. I appreciated it. 
  8. Checking in on us. In the beginning, I didn't go a day without someone checking in on us via text. I think I had a text for the first month. Even though I didn't always reply, it was helpful.


Harmful things people have said:


  1. “I also had a miscarriage.” - I am sorry for your loss and I know that would have been hard. Losing any child, no matter what stage, is hard. But I didn’t have a miscarriage. We were waiting for our baby to arrive any day. We were two days from his due date. Note: This is one of the first things that was said to me, just minutes after getting the news, while I was still in complete shock and disbelief. It just wasn’t the right time. This would not bother me now like it did then.
  2. Talking about babies or little kids. This is hurtful because when we think about other babies, it makes us sad because we are missing our baby. It’s nothing against other babies. It just makes me think about Jensen and my heart hurts because he’s not here. Yes, I'm glad other babies are being born healthy and perfect, but it makes me sad and makes me miss Jensen even more.
  3. “Let me know if you need anything.” - This sounds nice on the surface, but many people aren't willing to ask for help anyway. I need my baby. Specifics are more helpful or asking, "What can I do for you?"
  4. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but…” - If the statement has to begin with “but,” it is best left unsaid. 
  5. “God has a reason” and mentioning God’s plan. -It’s not that we don’t have faith, but God did not cause this. He allowed it. Satan causes death and destruction. God does not cause any bad things to happen. However, honestly, I don't want to hear about God's plan if that means I don't get to have my baby. Perhaps in years to come, we may understand this better, but right now, this is not what we need to hear.
  6. “God only gives these things to the strongest people.” This just isn’t true. It’s not based on scripture, nor is it helpful. If I had a choice, I would have rather been weak so I could have my baby. I don’t want to be strong. 
  7. “I know what you’re going through.” We don’t even understand what we’re going through. But all situations are different. Ty and I don’t even exactly know what each other is going through. 
  8. “Don’t be mad at God.” It’s okay to be mad at God. Of course we have been mad at God. God can handle our anger. 
  9. “At least…” There’s nothing after this that is good. Any “at least” statement would be hurtful... Anything that follows would not be helpful or make it better.
  10. "I know someone who went through the same thing." Statistically speaking, this is probably not true. To me, the same exact thing is losing a baby at 39 weeks and 5 days, after having an easy pregnancy. It's being completely and fully prepared to welcome our baby into the world. What happened to us is extremely rare. The "same thing" is not a miscarriage. It's having a fully developed baby, having his nursery ready, car seat in the car. It's going to one of the last doctor's appointments and finding out our baby won't be coming home with us.


Things to think about before: 
  1. “How are you feeling physically?” In my opinion, this should only be asked if we are close friends or family.
  2. “How are you doing?” …how do you think we’re doing? This one really depends on how close we are. 
  3. “Here are some resources.” I know this comes from a good place, but I’m still trying to fully grasp what happened. In the beginning, I’m simply trying to survive.
  4. Offering advice. Not all advice is needed, wanted or helpful. Consider asking whether we would like to hear advice.
  5. Telling us Jensen is an angel. - I debated including this. This is probably comforting to some, but we don’t believe this. We do believe he’s in God’s presence, but there’s no scripture that supports the claim that babies (or anyone) become angels when they die.
  6. “I can’t imagine.” - No one can. I still can’t believe this is my reality. I wouldn’t want you to be able to imagine it. 

things THAT MAY be harmful in the future: 

I have connected with many women who have had similar experiences. These are the quotes other women have received. I have not had any of these said to me.


  1. “Are you going to get pregnant again?” or “When are y’all going to try to have a baby again?” -As with any woman, no matter what, this question is always inappropriate.  
  2. “At least you can get pregnant.” Still not helpful. This is also inappropriate.
  3. “You can always just get pregnant again.” Just because it happened once, doesn’t mean it can again. Also, we don’t just want any baby. We want Jensen. 
  4. “How many kids do you want?” Right now, we want one. We want Jensen. 
  5. "Why are you not over it?" or "When are you going to be better?" - Grief is a forever process. I will be "better" when I see Jensen again someday.
  6. "At least you don't have to potty train..." (or do other baby-related things) - I don't think I need to explain why this should never be said.