What did we used to do with our Saturdays? Saturdays are generally a day of play and rest. They’re a free day. Sometimes Saturdays are full of errands or events, while others might be spent with family at home.
I remember the first time Ty and I were alone on a Saturday after having Jensen. June 15th, I believe (I have a crazy ability to remember dates of everything, which can be good and bad). We took it slow that morning. We probably cried. I probably had breakfast on our front porch, which became a haven for us throughout the summer. Later that afternoon, we knew we should get out of the house. We had not gone out in public at that point yet, other than places we didn’t have much choice about. I was also still recovering physically, so we would normally get a short walk in every day. Otherwise, we felt limited on what we could do. Physically, I was limited. But emotionally and mentally, we were both severely limited.
I distinctly remember Ty asking me, “How did we used to spend our Saturdays?”
You know my ability to remember dates? I started remembering the recent Saturdays. June 8: in Tipton for Jensen’s service. June 1: at home after getting back from the hospital the day before. May 25: my cousin’s graduation and a day spent with family celebrating and also guessing when Jensen would arrive. May 4: Baby care class where we learning about car seats, diapers and more. The other Saturdays in May were spent nesting and preparing for Jensen’s arrival. April 27: I took a baby class. April 20: Disney World for our agency’s 10 year anniversary. April 13: We met with my cousins for parenting advice and had Jensen’s Tipton shower the next day. April 6: a funeral and Ty was gone on a work trip which also was spent with his family as a “last trip” before welcoming Jensen. March 30: Easter weekend and the Tipton Children’s Home’s 100th anniversary. March 23: Preparing for Jensen’s Sunset shower. February 10, 17, 24: Baby prep and birth classes.
When Ty asked how we used to spend our Saturdays, I knew. We had spent many of the previous Saturdays getting ready to welcome our baby boy.
Some people may think holidays or anniversaries make me more sad. Some may think it’s extra hard on the “milestone” days. But as someone who remembers dates a little too well, I know how many reminders I will grieve in the coming months. This week will be a year since first going to the doctor and seeing a very tiny little Jensen on an ultrasound weeks before people are usually even given an option for an ultrasound. November 1 will be a year since we saw his first official ultrasound and saw him moving. I remember every doctor’s appointment and ultrasound. I remember every day I bought something for him. I remember the day we finally decided on his name. I remember finding out he was a boy at the end of the year 2023. I remember telling my grandma about him on what would have been her 50th wedding anniversary, which is also this week. I remember spending a weekend in Norman, celebrating Ty's birthday and getting our maternity pictures done. I don't only remember doing these things, but I remember most of the exact dates. I remember it all.
Though I don't understand it. I may never understand it. But I will always remember.
I grieve deeply because I love Jensen deeply.