It’s been no secret that my faith has been a struggle over the past 13 months. I have doubted, questioned, praised, given thanks, and been angry. I have experienced a full spectrum of emotions and thoughts regarding my faith life. It wasn’t until after finishing my school year that it kind of clicked that God is working in my life. I’ve seen God work in ways that I wish were different. I went through the entire second year of my PhD grieving my son. The absolute worst and hardest year of my life was also spent studying and researching family communication about mental health, teaching a class each semester, being a research assistant each semester and going to classes that frequently brought up triggering topics for me. While a majority of my professors and superiors have been kind to me throughout this time, I can not say the same about my peers. Only one of my peers has told me they were sorry for what had happened, another said sorry after she first heard my story, two have indirectly acknowledged my loss, while the rest have not said a word and I wondered how many people were avoiding me, how many did not know, or how many simply did not know what to say.
As soon as this past semester and school year ended, I felt relieved. I remember taking some quiet time, and I thought, “How in the world did I get through this school year? This awful, horrible year where I had to be a student but also prioritize my grief and my mental health?” Then it hit me. I got through it because of the Lord.
In June, I took a 3-week-long test where I had to write about 80 pages on a subject of my choosing, with questions sent from professors on my committee. The process was tiring, but it wasn’t terrible. Then, last Wednesday, I had to give a defense for my test. My committee asked me questions and provided clarifications, and I answered them to the best of my ability. I left the room while my committee discussed whether I should fail, pass with revisions, or pass without revisions. I expected to pass with revisions because I had been told that is what usually happens. However, I passed without revisions! I was surprised and grateful. This was also because of the Lord.
A few months ago, I had submitted three research papers to a large communications conference. Tonight, I was notified that all three papers were accepted to be presented at the conference, which was also something I did not expect. I know this is also a way that God has been working in my life.
I will never understand why God has answered my prayers about school the way I want them to be answered, but he did not answer my prayers for my baby the way I wanted them to be answered. If I had a choice between a PhD and Jensen, I would have chosen Jensen every single time. Unfortunately, I was not given a choice. For some reason, God’s will was to bless me academically and have my son live in His presence instead of with his parents here on earth. I still have questions, and many of those questions will probably always go unanswered. In the midst of all of the pain, I know the Lord is with me, even when it seems as though His faithfulness is only evident in certain areas of my life.