People always say it's good to have a loud church. It's good to hear crying babies and noisy kids. Sure, I'm glad parents make it a priority to take their children to worship. But the last six months have made me realize how things we consider precious and a good thing may be the same thing that brings tears to someone else. A baby that constantly cries during worship may be what causes someone else to cry because they are missing their baby so much and it is difficult to focus due to the noise. Someone else may want to feel the comfort of their church family and spend a peaceful time being in the Word, but instead they are met with deep pain in another wave of grief.
Every baby's cry, every pregnancy announcement, every "we weren't even trying..." or "this is a surprise baby," every "____ had their baby." Every complaint about being up all night, every baby screaming in Target. It all hurts. Sometimes I want to scream.
Sometimes I wonder if a parent lets their baby keep crying during worship just to play a cruel joke on me. I know it's irrational. I know no one is out to get me. People with new babies aren't trying to make me feel bad. People asking "How are you?" aren't trying to be insensitive.
I am slowly overcoming some of the things that have hurt me during the past few months. I prayed for someone who was going to be having a baby soon. I pushed the "love" react on two adoption announcements and two baby announcements. After six months, I finally told someone "Congratulations!" in a pregnancy announcement.
Don't get me wrong, I still keep these people "hidden" on my social media. I can't protect my heart from everything, but I can protect it from some things.
Do people think I'm "over" losing my son? Do they think since it's been half a year, I should be fine now? Maybe... I do find myself explaining how some things still hurt. I generally just say I'm doing "okay" or "alright," which is usually a fair assessment. A few times I have said I'm "good."
I know I will never be fully "good" this side of heaven, but is anyone? We are all longing for heaven. This world has too much evil to name, and I believe in heaven more now than I did before. Heaven has become much more real to me. It's a place where my heart will finally be fully whole and "good." It's a place much better than earth. No pain. No sorrow or sadness. No death, hunger, murder, abandonment. I long for that day.
I am reminded of this verse in Philippians 1:23-25 where Paul wants to be in Heaven with the Lord, but he knows he is supposed to stay on earth until his final day. "I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith,"