They say pregnancy is like running a marathon. I’ve run a marathon and while I wouldn’t necessarily compare the two, I know the mental toll and physical effort both can take. Both require months of planning and preparing.
My first marathon was in 2016. I had an assignment to do something I’d never done before. Since my brothers had all done half marathons by then, I knew I had to do better and run a full marathon. The problem was that I didn’t have time to train. I had about 2-3 weeks. I did finish the marathon… barely. And afterwards, I was in the most physical pain I’ve ever been in. Had I actually prepared, my pain and recovery would have been much less and easier.
Fast forward to 8 years later, I found myself in another, different kind of marathon. This one lasted nine months. This time, I planned and prepared more than I’ve planned for anything. I can’t think of one detail I had left unplanned. From frozen meal prep, to counseling, to birth and baby care classes. I had planned our first vacation as a family. I had bought flight tickets to attend a conference for my PhD program and I had planned it to where I would only have to be gone for two nights and could take my baby boy with me (along with my mom to watch him while I presented). I had everything except a toothbrush in my hospital bag ready to go. The nursery was ready. I had washed up to six months of baby clothes to have ready. I had diaper caddies in three places. The backpack was ready and the bassinet was by our bed. The car seat was installed and checked. I took a parent-child relationships class in the spring semester to go towards my PhD that also helped me learn various things about being a parent. I did some workouts specifically for pregnancy and tried to do them as often as I could. I had all of the pregnancy apps to check and had some apps to use once my baby arrived. I bought some baby room spray to acclimate our dogs to the new baby smell so that when he arrived, our dogs would be familiar with him already. I had even figured out a way to stay home with our baby during the fall semester while keeping my scholarships and not getting behind in my program. I was so excited about staying home with him because I wanted to be with him as much as possible, especially in the beginning.
In the end, the marathon continued. I had to deliver my baby knowing he wouldn’t be going home with me. While in the hospital, I had to hear another woman giving birth and hear another newborn crying. I had to do pretty much every hospital-related thing that I hadn’t wanted to do (needles, IVs, etc.). This is coming from someone who had never been in a hospital, never broken a bone or anything even similar. I even have all of my wisdom teeth).
I also finished this marathon, but this time I didn’t get a medal. I don’t have my baby with me. I’m now left with the most emotional pain I have ever experienced. I did all of the things. I was just waiting for him to arrive. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to get him back. Some people say they understand, but they don’t. Know one knows what someone else is feeling. Not exactly. I’m glad my baby will never have to endure the heartbreak that his dad and I are going through right now nor anything other than love and joy, but we wish more than anything that we could have just a moment more with him. Just a minute to hold him and give him a kiss. Even just a second.