Some people say God answers prayers with either a “yes” or “not yet.” I’ve never believed these to be the only two answers because I’ve always known that God sometimes also says no. I’m thinking about every single thing we prayed about for Jensen. I guess God said no to some of them. He said no to my prayers about going into labor and not needing to be induced. (Though I was, of course, willing to do whatever I needed to have a healthy baby.) He said no to how we would parent Jensen as he grew up. But I guess he said yes to Jensen not being tempted and being able to discern right from wrong… it just didn’t happen the way we wanted.
Why did God let this happen? Why make us go through a joyful season of preparing for our baby boy if it only meant we would be living in a nightmare when we got to the end of it? It doesn’t make sense.
I guess from the outside, someone may not get why we would even have faith in a God that “allows bad things to happen to good people.” That’s one of the most common questions people have. Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people? I have to first get rid of the thought that God caused this to happen and accept that He allowed it. God allows bad things to happen, but He does not cause them to happen. I do question why He allowed it. I think only God himself would ever be able to answer that. We may never know.
Secondly, I have to have some humility. What qualifies someone as a good person? Am I a good person? We give time and money to our church family and sometimes to people in need. But we also watch too much television when we could use that time for other things that are more likely to honor God. We don’t drink alcohol, gamble or cheat. But we also can be stingy with our money and use it on too many things for our own desires. We don’t miss going to church. But we also don’t always treat others the way we should. A good person by society’s standards who is also a Christian doesn’t equate to a Godly example and Christian role model. I am no better than the next person, despite what my mind tries to tell me at times. Despite what Satan tries to get me to believe.
God did not seek us out to cause us harm. God did not allow this to happen because we’re “strong.” Satan brought harm upon our baby and destruction against our family. And God allowed it. The same God who allowed this is the same God who died so we (and you) can be free of sin and live in eternity with him someday. The same God who gives us hope of seeing Jensen again. And we will get to have more time with Jensen in heaven than we would ever have had with him on earth.
This is why we have faith. This is why we hold on to hope. We have seen over and over again how the Lord has worked in our lives. He comforted my family when my grandpa passed away three years ago. I’ve witnessed my grandma’s unwavering faith in losing her husband of almost 50 years. I’ve seen my grandmother hold my granddad’s hand when he was in his last days at the hospital. They were married over 50 years, and I saw him tell her he loved her and I’ve seen her live out her faith since. I’ve seen my parents hold on to their faith when my brother was stillborn at 20 weeks, and now 24 years later, I see their faith again as they sadly relive much of their own experience as their only daughter lives through an eerily similar thing. We have trusted in God to provide for us financially, as I worked three to four jobs while Ty was in school. We had faith when Ty’s first year of veterinary school was extremely difficult and interrupted by a pandemic.
I’d be lying if I said my faith hasn’t been tested during this season. It has, and I don’t think that would be surprising to anyone. I've been upset with God. I've been angry with God and mad at him. But despite any doubts I have and the many questions I’d like to ask God, I know He is the only one who can get us through this. I know He holds our future and our tomorrows. I know He is watching over Jensen and Jensen is with the most perfect parent.