I am officially 30. As of September 24, 2024, I have been living for 30 years. Or perhaps better said, my parents have been putting up with me for 30 years. ;)
I always thought I would be done having kids by the time I was 30. Of course, I knew *my* timeline for my life was never exactly the same as God's plans for my life.
When we found out that we would be having a baby last year, a day before my birthday, I was ecstatic. I knew our baby was a sweet blessing from the Lord. Now, about four months since losing Jensen, I still believe he was a sweet blessing. He made me a mom, and I'm grateful I got to carry him for nine months. But the pain of not having him here is so enormous. Sometimes I get sucked into this strong wave of grief, just like I was when I was told our baby boy no longer had a heartbeat.
To be told "Happy birthday" today seems so strange. Is it really happy? I was never thrilled to turn 30. I'm not too happy about entering into another decade, though I have heard good things about being in your 30s. Even though I wasn't thrilled about being 30, I was excited to celebrate my birthday with Jensen. I looked forward to holding him when I went into a new year.
As I look back on my 20s, there were lots of good and bad. Some highlights of my 20s include graduating college and grad school, meeting Ty and getting married to him, meeting some of my best friends at the Disney College Program, becoming a travel planner, being accepted into a PhD program, seeing the value in having a church family and true relationship with the Lord, Ty graduating from vet school, and finding out about our first baby, a son.
Some hard times of my 20s were straying away from God, losing my grandpa, quitting my first full-time job, having to work 3-5 jobs to support us through vet school, losing my father-in-law, and finally, the worst part was losing our baby boy, our precious Jensen Brooks.
I wish so much that Jensen was here with me today. I would love to hold him and give him another kiss. I would tell him how much I love him.
I don't know what the future holds for me or for our family, but I know who holds our future in His hands. I know He loves Jensen more than I ever could, and I have faith we will see Jensen again.
Here's to 30.